Several months ago I read a story in Time Magazine about Ritt Bjerregaard, who is the Lord Mayor of Copenhagen. The story intrigued me because she is a staunch supporter of men being father’s and investing into the lives of their children. She started a campaign in Copenhagen called “The Daddy Forever” campaign. Lord May0r Ritt Bjerregaard also encourages all “new” fathers to take their six week paid vacation when they have a new child. She provides each new father with a “Daddy Pack” which consists of certain items for new dads. How cool is that??? I love that she is doing this! Why can’t we see that type of support here in the U.S.? It’s pretty amazing isn’t it?

So, being that I was so intrigued and encouraged by what she is doing I thought that I would send her a couple of books and tell her how thankful I was for all that she was doing to encourage men to be dads! Last month I received a response from Lord Mayor and I was completely blown away. The fact that she would respond to me encouraged me to continue on my task to be a small voice in a noisy world saying that dads matter.

I have put up the letter so that you can all check it out!

Peace,

Gabriel

I was having lunch with a friend today and we began chatting about our children. He has a baby boy just about to turn one and I have an almost two-year-old now as well as a ten-year old. We began to chat about the personalities of our sons. I listened intently as John talked about his boy and his personality. It’s a beautiful thing to see a man talk passionately about his son. The love that John has for his baby boy evident for I wouldn’t be able to wipe the smile off of his face if I tried. I wouldn’t dare anyway because it was a beautiful thing to witness. A father’s love for his child! Awesome!

Than I began to share about my two-year old. I told John stories of how Ezrah is quite the daredevil. He takes a lot of risks like climbing up the railing that separates the kitchen from the living room. The kitchen is a level above the living room so he is making quite the climb. He loves going to the very top and just hangs there. When my wife or I see him we are immediately running over to his rescue but he would like nothing more than for us to just go away. Ezrah would also climb to the top of the bunk bed, via the ladder, when we had it set up. The kid just loves to climb. He also like to just jump off of the couch onto the floor holding a pillow to his face to protect his fall. I mean, he really goes for it.

I began to compare with John how my older son Julian didn’t seem to be as daring to me. We began to compare notes and the different situations that each boy has experienced growing up. I was a single father with Julian. We had loads of fun together and had the time of our lives but I just don’t remember him doing some of the stuff that Ezrah does. We concluded, whether we are right or wrong, that Ezrah is being raised with a mother and a father in the household so that creates a certain level of certainty and security. Maybe it is because of that foundational security that allows Ezrah or gives him the freedoms to risk more and do the stunt man stuff.

Whereas Julian had a bit of a different situation so the risk factor wasn’t as tangible or attractive to him. He loved the safety of just being with me…his father! I mean, I love that! I love the sweet relationship that he and I have today so I can see a bit of a difference.

This conversation led me to self-examine myself and my life and it turns out that I wasn’t much of a “risk” taker as well. I grew up with my mother and father absent for the most part. I take more calculated risk than just jumping out and going for it. I love the comfort of my home and would be satisfied to just stay home and curl up on the couch with the remote. A great example of that is on New Years Eve my wife went out with her girlfriends and I was home all alone. Don’t feel bad for me because I loved it. I had a couple of friends pop by but for the most part the silence and aloneness were a gift.

So, that is the tale of my two boys. What about your kids. What are some of the differences that you notice. I would love to hear about it.

Peace,

Gabriel

Our “dad of the month” is a named Jim Ryan. The great thing about this is that Jim and I grew up together and have recently reconnected. Jim lives in North Carolina with his wife and daughter. Through our conversations we have laughed about the joys of parenting and have cringed at the hardships.

Read Jim’s story of his daughter and his insights of raising an only child. Please give us your insights on raising an only child if you find yourself in Jim’s shoes.

Thanks for being a part of this process Jim! I am so glad that we are back in touch.

As I sit here in my office staring at the picture of my little girl, Ava Grace, I sometimes cannot believe that something so beautiful could possibly have come from me (thank God for beautiful moms!). As a 43 year old father of a 7 year old only child, the challenges of raising an “Only” are plentiful. The most difficult to explain to a young child is why she has no brothers and sisters. This little question can dig up a lot of very difficult emotions for my wife and I, but I am truly blessed that the one child we have was gifted with intelligence, beauty, and a powerful stubbornness to get answers.

At times, I feel completely unequipped at the “parenting gig” as my mind sometimes works the same way as a 7 year old (being lazy, wanting to eat cookies instead of vegetables, and negotiating to get out of trouble with Mom), but the incredibly positive side of the equation, she gets ALL the attention a child could ever want or need.

She is at an age when the questions are nearly non-stop. Sometimes these questions are easy (Daddy, what is 25 + 47), but many of them are very “adult” and she is too smart to accept the typical parental brush off answer (the downside of having an only child whose parents are in their mid-40’s is that your little sponge absorbs all of your behaviors — the sarcasm, the concern over finances, and our petty insecurities to name a few). Hearing her commentary at times makes me think I am raising a 25 year old trapped in a 7 year olds body!

When we have our alone time and spend hours at the driving range hitting balls, I often fall into a bit of a daydream wondering what her life will look like it 10 years, 15 years, or 20 years. When I let my mind venture down that path, I have to put my faith in God’s hands that no matter how old I may be, he will give her (and us) all the tools necessary to have a beautiful life filled with joy, prosperity, and kindness. Though Daddy may be in Depends at her graduation ceremony, I will still be eyeballing those boys with the old Middle Linebacker looks to assure they know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior towards my little girl (which she will always be).

Raising an only child with no family around can stress out even the most solid marital relationships. Guilt about only having one child, guilt over not living close to family, and guilt over the realization that when your child graduates from high-school, you will be near retirement. But, when you sit back and truly appreciate the gift of a healthy child, none of those insecurities truly matter; you just do and be the best possible father/husband you can possibly be. The quiet whisper of “Daddy I Love You” in her tired and falling asleep voice makes everything just about perfect.

I say “thank God” for Only children as some of us cannot even fathom how 2 or 3 could possibly be managed.

One of the very cool things that I have been experiencing since my book “American Daddy” has been published is the amazing people that I have met. One of those people is Jon Power! I don’t remember “how” it happened but Jon and I began emailing each other back and forth. I found out that Jon is a therapist so I thought it would be great to profile him in the “Counselors Corner” section. So, let me introduce you to Jon Power. He has written a powerful segment on Father’s & Son’s. I know that you will enjoy his work.

Jon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. He holds a M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University, as well as, an B.A. in Literature and World Myth and Folk Literature. He lives in La Crescenta with his wife and son, Benjamin.

Father’s & Son’s

I wanted to start with a big thanks to Gabriel for the opportunity to use this medium to reach the Dads out there. I wanted to express my greater gratitude for his taking the time and initiative to create americandaddy.net and a place for fathers to come together in a type of fellowship.

When Gabriel asked me if I’d like to write something for the website, I brought the request to the Men’s Group I facilitate and asked them what they felt would be of greatest impact to the dads out there. Overwhelmingly, they felt something discussing the relationship between fathers and sons, especially when the sons have become fathers themselves, would be of value. Our group originally started as a place for individuals seeking support in adjusting to the different “speed bumps” of life. We quickly found that the force that unified us as a group was that the “individual” issues we were each facing were significantly related to our relationships with our fathers in the past, now, and as we faced the future. And consequently, the relationship we have with our children.

Many of the dads I work with have become distant or unable to relate with their fathers. In some case, it is more accurate to say that these “adult sons” have given up on having the relationship they desire with their fathers. This is important because as they face the blessings and challenges of their own fatherhood, these men are also struggling with their unresolved issues with their fathers.

I first became interested in exploring the relationships between “fathers and sons” when I read the same named short story by Ernest Hemingway as part of my undergraduate coursework. I didn’t have the volatile relationship with my father as the “son” did in the story, but it made me momentarily take an inventory of my relationship with my Dad, as well as, those of my friends. This inventory process started and stalled many times from that point, usually tucked away with a note or a highlighted passage in a book put up on a shelf. However, what lingered was a relationship with my father that lacked the passion I desired. Using the word “passion” may seem out of place, but I feel it best describes the loving heartfelt relationship I, and many of the men I have worked with, yearn to have with our fathers. Flash forward 20 years, 3 careers, a second marriage, and my first child. It wasn’t until the birth of my son that I really stopped and began, in earnest, the process of analyzing, make that living, the relationship with my Dad I desired.

Traditionally, fathers have taken one of two paths: engaged whereby they learn to nurture and support the uniqueness of there sons, or disengaged, where they fluctuate from an involved to a distant role where they are actively or passively guiding their son’s development towards becoming a man. I find that most of the current generation of dads had the latter type of father. In some cases, this disengaged father may have been abusive or completely out of their son’s life related to divorce or death. Now, I do not mean any disrespect to the majority of our fathers. Most fathers did the best they could considering the circumstances of the time and what they had learned from their fathers. I guess that really is the point; we dads need to begin to start thinking beyond what we consciously, and subconsciously, learned from our fathers.

The question came up in my group, “So what if a man has not had the benefit of an engaged father?” The simply answer is that with the fellowship of other dads and the development of a nurturing relationship with their own children, a man does not have to act upon the ill-effects of a “less-than” father. If men become more mindful of their relationship with their fathers, and more significantly, the ways in which they have unconsciously taken on behaviors they disliked in their fathers, they need not replicate this cycle. It is actually more “normal” to repeat the behaviors of our parents then not to. If you take a look back through the generations within your family, do you see a pattern in parenting style, or a way of reacting to situations? A big function of psychotherapy is to identify these “patterns of dysfunction” and create new “functional” patterns. This is important in terms of fathering because it allows dads to circumvent being unconsciously set-up to repeat with there sons what was done to them as sons. This is dually important because it will have a ripple effect on a man’s relationship with his partner/wife, daughter, if divorced, ex-wife, or any other cherished relationship.

We dads are on the threshold of a new understanding of the significance of being an active father. Socially and culturally, a new definition of being a father is being formed. I think of it as where in the past a man with children was considered a father parenting from over there, today a man with children is a dad, whole-heartedly involved in all aspects of their children’s lives. We have the opportunity to venture through life in step with our children and help each other through life’s momentous and minor transitions. I feel that when a dad and his son are able to influence each other in this way, both achieve a deep and lasting understanding of what it means to become a man. As William Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, “It is a wise father that knows his own child.” I’d say it is a complete dad who knows his father as he knows his son.

There’s a cool local coffee hang that I am now becoming a regular on Saturday mornings “only” because of the Thomas the Train set for my 19-month old to occupy himself with while I can sip on my vanilla cappuccino. While he does his thing my 10-year old is on the Mac doing his thing due to the wireless network that is available. Wow, my life with my boys is getting easier on Saturday mornings. Love it!

I must say that the landscape in the “Thomas the Train” area is changing quite a bit. The wall is lined, not only with screaming kids diving for the neglected Thomas the Train on the floor, but with Dads! Maybe one or two moms are in the mix but the majority of us there are Dads! How cool is that? I like to say that it is “hip” to be a Dad and a slight shift in culture is showing. You don’t believe me? Find the local coffee hang with a Thomas the Train set and you will see what I mean.

Gabriel

Michael Thompson is our “Daddy of the Month!” Michael is a committed father and loves spending time with his two-year old son Kahleo. Below, Michael shares a little story with us:

I was in a conference today. The theme was children of generational poverty. One statement that stood out to me is that children of poverty live in darkness more then other children. We can all imagine why. Fear of what’s outside, an attempt to sleep or escape into video games or television. As a result, many such children’s eyesight becomes underdeveloped and by second or third grade they are experiencing difficulty reading and then are placed in special education. I was so saddened by this fact. Perhaps because I’m a special education teacher myself, so it is with joy that I can share such beauty as the ducks on Lake Tahoe with my son. My son is only two years old. But in his two brief years he has traveled the world with us. We have hiked the Sierra Nevada mountains, frolicked in the pacific ocean, walked across the vast empty beaches of New Zealand and strolled through the flower laden Swiss Alps. As you may notice, all these activities took place under the life-giving rays of the sun. We are not rich in dollars for I’m just a schoolteacher. But we are rich in time; time with our son, time to explore this beautiful world, time to have adventure together. I feel so blessed. For I personally work with so many children who have to raise themselves. This isn’t just a factor in poverty.

Today, I’m just grateful to be a dad, grateful to have the time to explore life with my son and watch him develop. This, I believe, is the greatest investment I can make.

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Dr. John Johnson, Dr. J as we like to call him, holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology as well as an M.A. in Theology. Both degrees from Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. John also holds a B.A. from Baylor University and an M.A. in Psychology from Stephen F. Austin State University.

He is a husband, father, step-father and a dear friend to me. John has wonderful insights and can communicate them in a practical way. He has written a wonderful piece on the “Legacy” that we men will leave our children. Check it out for I know you will be inspired, challenged and blessed by his article.

Thanks for your involvement John! Love ya buddy! G

“LEGACY”

Life goes by fast and it seems we never really have enough time to accomplish all the things we want to. Yet, somehow, in the hustle and flow of our day, we manage to carve out time for those important things at the end - like reading the paper or watching the news, checking our stock status, or planning for the big meeting the next day. How else would we know what the status of the world is, how many of our brave soldiers perished in the service of our country, where Greenspan is on the economy, or how to wow the chiefs down at headquarters. It is important stuff and must be attended to for the benefit of our family and for our own life satisfaction. We smile as the night falls - satisfied in our accomplishments and ready for the next day’s challenges.

Yet somewhere in the depths of that smile lies a nagging question mark. Is it really enough? Do I really feel satisfied, or should I be doing more? Have you ever asked that question? And did you get an answer? If you’re like most of us dads, the answer is no. We are left wondering if all of our hard work will matter someday. Sure we may have the nice boat and the big house, the fat bank account and the gourmet food on the table, but if that is all that was required to feel “successful” I would venture a guess that we would all be a lot happier.
There lies the real question. What is the legacy I am leaving for my family and will it outlive the stock market ups and downs, the latest fashion trends and the newest game system? I wonder what my kids will think of me when I am old. Will they remember how many papers I read or the facts I recalled from the news programs? Will they care about the Nintendo 9000 or the newest Apple gadget I bought them? Or will they have an ache in their heart — wishing they knew more of me and less of what I “provided.”

I come to all of us now in hopes that we men can begin to consider this question more intently. I was vacationing with my wife and 2 sons this weekend and I wondered what they took from it. Did I yell more than I encouraged, speak more than I listened, and count pennies more than laughs. The answer for me was a resounding YES. I admit this is a journey for me that I am ever learning. As I was with my family I thought about what I would be writing in this article. I thought all the ways I could speak academically about being a good dad. I thought about doing research to dazzle you with statistics and percentages. I thought about what I would say and how stunning it would be. I wanted to speak about my time being well spent with the ones I loved. In essence, I wanted the trip to be special and not just another vacation. But another vacation it was and I realized from it all that my legacy needs some polish.

Think back about your own fathers, gentlemen. How would you describe them? What are the words you would choose and are they accurate or a fantastic restructuring of what you always wished they would become someday? I never really knew my dad as he died in an accident when I was 6 years of age. Yet, I still yearn to think of him as a man who cared about me, who took us on fun vacations, and who worked hard for my benefit. I never even really knew him, but the desire in my heart still seems to override the reality and the legend grows bigger daily.
It is never too late to begin a new legacy in the lives of our kids. There is a concept in cognitive psychology called the recency effect. It is partnered with the primacy effect and essentially says that we will remember the first few items and the last few items from a long list better than the things in the middle. I think it is the same with kids. They will remember the early years at a core level and it is from there that they will have the foundation upon which to grow. If we spend good time with our infants and toddlers, they will have the hard wiring upon which to expand. If we choose to focus on other, less important things more, like picking the color for their nursery, but failing to read them a book, they will have a less firm foundation and it may be harder to have hope and trust in their later years. The same goes for now. If we made some mistakes early on, but we “right the ship” now, in the later years of their development, the chances of their remembering the good times are even better. We have a chance guys and now is the time and today is the opportunity you have been waiting for. There are no perfect dads outside of our heavenly role model, but we have a second chance starting now. Be the man you wish your dad could have been for you. Honor your dad by resembling his ways if they were good or ending a negative legacy of poor fathering.

I know we can do it together guys. It is a hard road to travel, but we have a legacy to create — so let’s get moving… Until next time,

DrJ

It’s been one of those months where the weight of the world seems to be on my shoulders. Do you know what I mean? I am sure that many of you feel that way at some point in time or another. I can’t seem to shake this one though…seems to be lasting longer than the norm. I don’t know…not sure what the deal is.

So, woke up this morning and in the mad rush to get my ten year old to school on time. Shouting out orders…making breakfast…picture day…brush your teeth…let’s go…we’re running late. Still feeling very heavy and a bit depressed if I may boldly say. So, we are rushing off and my son cranks up Sting’s “Message in a bottle” that he downloaded on the IPOD. He knows every word of the song and starts belting it out. Huge smile on his face…singing away…and lovin life.

It only took that moment to look over at him and the worries of the world seemed to lift off of my shoulders for that short drive to his school. Oh, how I love him! Thank you son for being you and having the courage and the freedom to live life this morning. You made my day!

Dad!

I was catching an episode of Dr. 90210 this past Sunday. OK, I admit at times I am a reality t.v. junkie. What can I say?

The essence of the show was Dr. Rey going back to Brazil to confront his father for the horrible way he was treated by his dad as a kid. He openly admitted how his father, to this day, had control over him even though he did not have relationship with him. All Dr. Rey wanted to hear was that his father loved him and was proud of him.

Here is a very, very successful plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills…a thriving practice…a beautiful wife…two lovely kids…and what he longed for was to know that his dad loved him! He longed to hear that his dad was proud of him.

So, he goes to Brazil…he see’s his frail father…they embrace and the father begins to week and starts apologizing to his son for the way he fathered him. He was weeping crying out “reconciliation is the greatest thing between a father and a son…”

I have to say that I was moved. I have to say that it was a wonderful piece to watch. A father and a son reconciling. A son hearing from his father that he loved him and was proud of him.

Hey guys…take a moment to say to your children that you love them and that you are proud of them. And, maybe some of us need to reach out to our fathers and seek reconciliation.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Sweet dreams…a cool breeze…soft touches, wildly interrupted by the high-pitched screams of my 18 month old lasting close to 40 minutes. The hope is that after ten minutes he would “get it” that his parents need to sleep. But no, the shrieks continue and get louder and louder. So, here I am…blogging at friggen 1 in the morning. Welcome to Fatherhood the 2nd time around. For some reason it doesn’t seem that this happened the 1st time around. Maybe the 10 year span has helped me forget.

Well, here’s to another night on the couch…computer in my lap and infomercials. When will this kid sleep through the night???