Above you see our Dad of the Month, Tim McBride, with his two sons.  Tim is a devoted and committed father to his boys.  As you read Tim’s story you will be encouraged that it is never to late to be a dad!

Thanks for sharing your story Tim and opening up your heart to all of us.  We appreciate it!

Tim’s Story: 

I’ve always been a “late bloomer” of sorts. I learned play football for the first time as a senior in high school (I made the team). I didn’t start my current career as a middle school teacher until I was 32. Got married for the first time at age 43. And until recently, I was playing guitar in a band with a bunch of much younger guys that were still trying to “make it” in the contemporary Christian rock music scene, which is something only 20-somethings should be doing, not old guys like me.

So to me at least, it is no surprise that I became a first time father at age 47.

After we were married for about a year, we started trying to have a baby. The next few years were especially hard, being surrounded by friends who seemed to be having children right and left when we weren’t.  For a while it seemed that at every Bible study, or church gathering, someone was giddy with excitement to announce her next pregnancy. And while we were very happy for them, we felt a little sadder each time it wasn’t us. When we came to the point of spending our savings on either costly fertility treatments, or adoption, or just quitting altogether, we chose adoption.

In the adoption counseling we received, we were told that many who are starting the adoption process feel a sense of “loss” because they might never have a natural child, that  adoption is, “second best.” But for me, it was actually the direction I had always thought my life might go. I always had this thought I would adopt at least one child if I ever had the opportunity. How great was it then when my wife told me she felt the same way. She was especially happy not having to worry about losing her figure she would joke.

Once we got into it, it moved along very quickly. In January of 2005 we brought home Jacob Timothy. His birth parents were 15 and 16 year olds, not even out of high school. His birth mother just was not able to care for him properly, and did an awesome, selfless,  but an emotionally very hard thing, in placing him with us. With her we have an open adoption, and we see her about once a year.

In July of 2007 we brought home Jesse Ray. His birth mother was in even more dire straights than Jacob’s, she was homeless. Had he not been placed with us, he would have gone straight into the county foster care system. We may or may not be seeing her in the future.

When I think about what might have been had we not adopted each of these boys, I want to cry.

Every day now encompasses anything, and everything you can imagine, from the chaotic to the sublime, as every parent knows. And even though the Saturday morning family wrestling matches on our bed usually start a little too early for a weekend morning,  I wouldn’t trade them for all those years I slept in, waking up to no one, when I was single. Being their daddy, and their mommy’s husband, has made me feel alive for the first time in all my years.

I’m glad I “bloomed” right when I did.

Juan is the father of two wonderful kids, Emily & Justus. I want to thank Juan for taking the time to share his heart of what fathering means to him! I was thinking how it’s not always easy for guys to sit down and be transparent about their feelings or how our kids make us feel. So, kudos to you Juan! Thanks for being a part of the American Daddy team!

Fatherhood

When my daughter, Emily, was born nine years ago, my world changed. Work took on a greater importance – no more risky career moves. Every corner or low hanging shelf was viewed as something that would impale her. I remember driving home from the hospital very slowly (too slowly) in order to get the “precious package” home safely from the hospital that was less than a mile from our house. Nothing could prepare me for the overwhelming connection that a father could feel for his daughter – she is an angel sent from above.

When my wife was pregnant with our second child, I remember hoping for a boy. The day we found out that we were, indeed, going to have a boy, my initial reaction was positive but it was immediately followed by a little sadness – I had gotten very comfortable with having a daughter and wasn’t sure how I would adjust. When Justus was born five years ago, my sadness was proven unfounded.

Juan, Emily & Justus

Justus has a very inquisitive mind and I love fostering that in him. When we’re on walks together or in the car, he will incessantly ask questions about what he sees around him. “Daddy, why is the grass green at this house but brown at that house?” “Daddy, can we walk on clouds?” “Why not?” “Daddy, how come you don’t have a ‘Monster Truck’?” – this is all in one session with one non sequitur after another. I try to patiently answer every question. My favorite questions are ones where he’ll ask about something that happened in the past and it will blow my mind that he remembers the event. The best part is when I ask him questions – the answers he comes up with are amazing!! He’ll never say he doesn’t know – he’ll answer with the conviction and confidence of an elder scholar – I hope he never loses that inquisitiveness and confidence.

Emily’s an incredible artist, soccer player, student, and person – we often stay up late telling made-up stories, talking about school, life, and the world at large. My main goal in these late night discussions is to get her to laugh because her laughter is infectious. Sometimes, however, we talk about serious topics such as the stresses and challenges of being a nine year old in today’s crazy world. It is here where our bond is continually strengthened as she opens up to me about her daily life – I hope she never stops.

Me?…I want to show my son how to be a good man…how to treat and respect a woman. For my daughter…I want her to see how a woman deserves to be treated and respected. The only way I know how to do that is by being a good man who loves and respects his wife – I hope they learn.

The Husband’s Bill of Rights
By Craig Playstead

Preamble:

We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We’re far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we’d like to straighten out. We’re not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we’d like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.

Amendment I

We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man’s relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a “crew.”

Amendment II

We reserve the right to dislike your friend’s husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn’t mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don’t want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how “wicked” he was on the French horn in his bitchin’ ‘80s band is just too much.

Amendment III

We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn’t all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in “Juno” where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.

Amendment IV

We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don’t mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it’s not like we just got a lap dance. Don’t treat us like your children and we’ll do our best not to act like them.

Amendment V

We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It’s also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that’s how we’re wired. And we’re not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.

Amendment VI

We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it’s also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.

Amendment VII

We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we’re in there a while, we can’t help it. And no, we’re not hiding … most of the time.

Amendment VIII

We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it’s not rational, but it’s who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don’t believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn’t win a World Series for 86 years.

Amendment IX

We have the right to the remote when we’re on the couch.
This is something that’s in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there’s any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It’s a thing of beauty.

Amendment X

We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.

Enjoy the story that Peter wrote about being a Dad. You’re going to love it!!!

As fathers, we lay the foundations for our children’s lives. It is up to our kids to build their own houses upon these foundations. Therefore, each generation builds upon the success of the previous generation, and being a good dad has a lot to do with being a good son.

My daughter, Kia, is 14 years old. She is one of the smartest people I know of any age. My son, Nikolai, is 12. He has a huge heart and enthusiasm rivaling that of a fisherman describing his latest catch.

We always try to spend dinnertime together as a family. The conversation starts with each of the kids sharing three things they learned at school that day. I ask if anyone–including them–got in trouble in class, what bad things happened, and what good things happened. The kids then rank their day on a scale of 1 to 10. Sometimes, depending on the timing and mood of the meal, I make up a story over dinner as well.

My wife and I are each involved in our children’s scouting programs. In addition to the trips we take with his Boy Scout troop, Nikolai and I also enjoy taking backpacking trips together in the beautiful California mountains. Other than the cell phone we bring for emergency use only, these trips are “no electronics allowed.” We experiment with different freeze-dried foods, noting which ones we like–and which ones we will never eat again. We fish in the streams, build campfires, look at the stars, share a tent, and spend a lot of time laughing and learning together.

My daughter and I enjoy time together on our “date nights.” She and I go out and have a nice dinner, or do some other activity in which we can get away for a while and talk. One of my favorite outings with her was an impromptu date in which we simply sat together in a donut shop and talked about school. We ended up discussing the labels kids use to define their different social groups: Jocks, Freaks, EMO (EMO?!?)–I shared memories from when I was in school of not wanting to be labeled and of trying to fit-in.
Sharing memories from my own childhood helps strengthen our bond and the communication between generations. It is part of the foundation-building process. The conversations, routines, and activities I share with my children give them the tools they need to build strong houses upon their father’s firm foundation.

Certain kids were rewarded for having demonstrated caring toward other students throughout the week. It was fun to hear the children cheering when someone in their own room was nominated.
I was able to share with the kids that it was caring for my sons that inspired me to create my book project, American Daddy, A Father’s Heart Revealed.
I want to thank my friend John Isaza for giving me the opportunity to speak at El Morro. John is a single father of a lovely daughter, and I plan to have him as one of our Dads of the Month in the near future–so keep your eyes out for him.

Jeff Cole - March Dad of the Month!

One thing I knew when I found out that I was going to be a father for the first time was that I didn’t know the first thing about being a father. I never really had any kind of good example… other than my Mom, but she wasn’t my Dad. Plus, I was just a big kid myself.

Once I consented to the idea of having a baby, my wife was very excited to start trying. I was excited for all the practice attempts. She said most women can take up to six months to actually get pregnant. It took us exactly one practice attempt. Now I was on the roller-coaster of pregnancy and trying to wrap my brain around the fact that a little baby was going to be my responsibility until I died. I smiled with the purest joy. I cried a little too… but I definitely smiled. I was going to be called Daddy.

Now, what the heck does that mean? My father was an abusive drunk who only showed up when his (our) money ran out. He did show up later when he met different women whom he tried to impress with his “I’m an awesome dad” routine. My brother and I knew the difference. Our mother was home working two jobs and trying to keep two boys off the streets. She disciplined us. I used to try to stuff football cards
in my jeans pockets to lessen the blow. She saw the square lumps and aimed right below. She set aside time to take us to the shore for the weekends. She told us she loved us but most importantly she showed us. She was as consistent as she could be. So, I think I learned the most about being a dad from my mom.

Jeff’s kids Isabella & Jude

My turn. My daughter, Isabella, is about to turn 5 and my son, Jude, is turning 2 this weekend. All of my fears have turned to pure joy. I can’t imagine my life without them ransacking it. I am a horse they ride on. A jungle gym they climb on. A punching bag, a swing-set, an art project. “Watch this daddy” or “DADDY’S HOME!” are the sweetest words I have ever heard. My greatest joy are their smiles. My greatest daily moment is when through the house we hear one of them shout “FAMILY HUG!” and that’s what we do, no matter what we are doing. The three women in my life and my one little man have made me into the thing I never knew…a Daddy.

A change is happening! I am happy to say that I am a part of the evolution of men taking the time to spend time with their kids. I call these moments heroic because our kids will be the better for the time we spend with them and they will cherish every moment.

I would love to hear your thoughts on what you see when you are out.

Cheers,

Gabriel

I think being that we are a “blended” family makes it even more important for all of us to have a level of connection where we all enjoy being together. So, here I am a bit exhausted from the long week and the long day today but I have a sweetness in my heart knowing that my family is together and we all love each other. It’s been a good day! A good day!

Cheers,

Gabriel

Her entry, “Daddy’s Little Princess” is filled with heart, passion and great advice for all dads out their who have daughters. I was greatly moved after I read the article and again, am so thankful that Alexine would take the time to provide us with such great insights to the heart of a woman from little girl to woman.

You can also get more information on Alexine and her services by checking out her website @ http://healingjourney.marriage-family.com.

Thanks Alexine!

Daddy’s Little Princess

(by Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, Marriage & Family Therapist)

I have been struck lately, through circumstances of life, people I have met in my private life or in my office, movies I have watched and books I have read, by the role a father plays in his child’s life. More specifically, I have been pondering on this strange, difficult and complicated thing that is a father-daughter relationship.

Honestly, look around: do you see a lot of young women that can say they have a vibrant, secure, loving and close relationship with their dad? To me, such girls have always been a wonder. I have always looked at them with curiosity, feeling very intrigued by what seemed to have come so easily to them but had me striving my whole life. I would look at this connection they had and wonder how on earth they had gotten there, and I would, I admit it, feel a little bit of envy for what they had. Sounds familiar?

I believe that father-daughter relationships get complicated right at the point when they are most crucial: when a girl transitions into becoming a woman. John and Stasi Eldredge, in “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” (2005), describe how from a very young age, a woman needs to be romanced and sought after, how she needs to “play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure” and how she wants to be and feel beautiful. When we think of the adult woman, it is obvious that within a heterosexual context, she will seek these things from a man. And when she is a little girl, THE man in her life is her dad.

I was watching a movie over the holidays, about a man who gets suddenly ill and has to be hospitalized. As he is nearing death, he gets a video email from his daughter, who can’t be near him because she is on a sailboat in the Pacific. She knows this is her good bye to her dad and she is crying as she tells him: “you have managed to give me your appetite for life. I don’t know how you did it. You know.” The first man in a girl’s life is her father. She can’t finish her sentence, because she is crying, and so was I as I watched the movie. What a powerful line! The first man in a girl’s life is her dad. So true, so beautiful, so powerful, and yet so tragic for so many women out there.

John and Stasi Eldredge say that little girls receive tenderness and comfort from their moms. From their dad, they need something different. They need an answer to a big Question. That big Question is at the core of a little girl’s - and later woman’s - heart and soul: “am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?” We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer (p. 59). From their fathers, little girls learn that they are special, or not.

John and Stasi Eldredge report that “numerous studies have shown that women who report a close and caring relationship with their fathers, who received assurance, enjoyment, and approval from them during childhood, suffer less from eating disorders or depression and developed a strong sense of personal identity and positive self-esteem” (Margo Maine, Father Hunger) (pp. 62-63).

Dads, you have quite a responsibility on your shoulders! And you might wonder how you can provide all that and ensure that your daughter ends up being a healthy, self-secure and balanced woman who is capable of choosing the right man for the right reason and develop an intimate relationship with him… Well, it’s not that complex at first: see her, and let her know that you see her. Admire her and TELL HER. Be verbal with your love and affirmations. Lavish her with affection, be present, protect her, have fun with her. Give her a special name, take her on special dates. And when she starts changing and becoming a woman, don’t go all weird on her. Deal with your own stuff if you can’t handle her changing body and attitude, but don’t make her feel like she is too much for you. She may be the one feeling awkward around you, but chances are it’s because she senses your uneasiness. Do respect her boundaries when she becomes a teenager, evolve with her, but don’t push her away. Keep noticing her, remain curious and interested. She needs you to be at her games, concerts or dance shows, as much as when she was little. You are the spring board from which she will bounce into womanhood. And finally, love your wife and show her what it’s like to be a good man, so that when she goes out there to find her own, she will know what she wants according to high standards and good expectations.

That being said, I believe that it hasn’t been easy for men to be good husbands and good fathers. I believe those of our fathers now didn’t have very good role models when they grew up, because it was a different era, a post-war era, in which survival and reconstruction was more important than emotions and soul connections. Today, we have more resources and help than ever. Do take advantage of it. Read books, go to conferences, seek help, share with your friends, there is no shame in that. Especially if you do it for your children. A million thanks to Gabriel, who is trying to make a difference for all the dads out there. If you are reading his blog, you are searching, trying, investing, and for that, I deeply respect you!