I am so thrilled to welcome back my dear friend, Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, as our guest writer for the Counselor’s Corner section for the month of February. Not only is Alexine a mother, wife, teacher, mentor and friend to many she is also a very talented Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Her entry, “Daddy’s Little Princess” is filled with heart, passion and great advice for all dads out their who have daughters. I was greatly moved after I read the article and again, am so thankful that Alexine would take the time to provide us with such great insights to the heart of a woman from little girl to woman.

You can also get more information on Alexine and her services by checking out her website @ http://healingjourney.marriage-family.com.

Thanks Alexine!

Daddy’s Little Princess

(by Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, Marriage & Family Therapist)

I have been struck lately, through circumstances of life, people I have met in my private life or in my office, movies I have watched and books I have read, by the role a father plays in his child’s life. More specifically, I have been pondering on this strange, difficult and complicated thing that is a father-daughter relationship.

Honestly, look around: do you see a lot of young women that can say they have a vibrant, secure, loving and close relationship with their dad? To me, such girls have always been a wonder. I have always looked at them with curiosity, feeling very intrigued by what seemed to have come so easily to them but had me striving my whole life. I would look at this connection they had and wonder how on earth they had gotten there, and I would, I admit it, feel a little bit of envy for what they had. Sounds familiar?

I believe that father-daughter relationships get complicated right at the point when they are most crucial: when a girl transitions into becoming a woman. John and Stasi Eldredge, in “Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” (2005), describe how from a very young age, a woman needs to be romanced and sought after, how she needs to “play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure” and how she wants to be and feel beautiful. When we think of the adult woman, it is obvious that within a heterosexual context, she will seek these things from a man. And when she is a little girl, THE man in her life is her dad.

I was watching a movie over the holidays, about a man who gets suddenly ill and has to be hospitalized. As he is nearing death, he gets a video email from his daughter, who can’t be near him because she is on a sailboat in the Pacific. She knows this is her good bye to her dad and she is crying as she tells him: “you have managed to give me your appetite for life. I don’t know how you did it. You know.” The first man in a girl’s life is her father. She can’t finish her sentence, because she is crying, and so was I as I watched the movie. What a powerful line! The first man in a girl’s life is her dad. So true, so beautiful, so powerful, and yet so tragic for so many women out there.

John and Stasi Eldredge say that little girls receive tenderness and comfort from their moms. From their dad, they need something different. They need an answer to a big Question. That big Question is at the core of a little girl’s - and later woman’s - heart and soul: “am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?” We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer (p. 59). From their fathers, little girls learn that they are special, or not.

John and Stasi Eldredge report that “numerous studies have shown that women who report a close and caring relationship with their fathers, who received assurance, enjoyment, and approval from them during childhood, suffer less from eating disorders or depression and developed a strong sense of personal identity and positive self-esteem” (Margo Maine, Father Hunger) (pp. 62-63).

Dads, you have quite a responsibility on your shoulders! And you might wonder how you can provide all that and ensure that your daughter ends up being a healthy, self-secure and balanced woman who is capable of choosing the right man for the right reason and develop an intimate relationship with him… Well, it’s not that complex at first: see her, and let her know that you see her. Admire her and TELL HER. Be verbal with your love and affirmations. Lavish her with affection, be present, protect her, have fun with her. Give her a special name, take her on special dates. And when she starts changing and becoming a woman, don’t go all weird on her. Deal with your own stuff if you can’t handle her changing body and attitude, but don’t make her feel like she is too much for you. She may be the one feeling awkward around you, but chances are it’s because she senses your uneasiness. Do respect her boundaries when she becomes a teenager, evolve with her, but don’t push her away. Keep noticing her, remain curious and interested. She needs you to be at her games, concerts or dance shows, as much as when she was little. You are the spring board from which she will bounce into womanhood. And finally, love your wife and show her what it’s like to be a good man, so that when she goes out there to find her own, she will know what she wants according to high standards and good expectations.

That being said, I believe that it hasn’t been easy for men to be good husbands and good fathers. I believe those of our fathers now didn’t have very good role models when they grew up, because it was a different era, a post-war era, in which survival and reconstruction was more important than emotions and soul connections. Today, we have more resources and help than ever. Do take advantage of it. Read books, go to conferences, seek help, share with your friends, there is no shame in that. Especially if you do it for your children. A million thanks to Gabriel, who is trying to make a difference for all the dads out there. If you are reading his blog, you are searching, trying, investing, and for that, I deeply respect you!

One of the very cool things that I have been experiencing since my book “American Daddy” has been published is the amazing people that I have met. One of those people is Jon Power! I don’t remember “how” it happened but Jon and I began emailing each other back and forth. I found out that Jon is a therapist so I thought it would be great to profile him in the “Counselors Corner” section. So, let me introduce you to Jon Power. He has written a powerful segment on Father’s & Son’s. I know that you will enjoy his work.

Jon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. He holds a M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University, as well as, an B.A. in Literature and World Myth and Folk Literature. He lives in La Crescenta with his wife and son, Benjamin.

Father’s & Son’s

I wanted to start with a big thanks to Gabriel for the opportunity to use this medium to reach the Dads out there. I wanted to express my greater gratitude for his taking the time and initiative to create americandaddy.net and a place for fathers to come together in a type of fellowship.

When Gabriel asked me if I’d like to write something for the website, I brought the request to the Men’s Group I facilitate and asked them what they felt would be of greatest impact to the dads out there. Overwhelmingly, they felt something discussing the relationship between fathers and sons, especially when the sons have become fathers themselves, would be of value. Our group originally started as a place for individuals seeking support in adjusting to the different “speed bumps” of life. We quickly found that the force that unified us as a group was that the “individual” issues we were each facing were significantly related to our relationships with our fathers in the past, now, and as we faced the future. And consequently, the relationship we have with our children.

Many of the dads I work with have become distant or unable to relate with their fathers. In some case, it is more accurate to say that these “adult sons” have given up on having the relationship they desire with their fathers. This is important because as they face the blessings and challenges of their own fatherhood, these men are also struggling with their unresolved issues with their fathers.

I first became interested in exploring the relationships between “fathers and sons” when I read the same named short story by Ernest Hemingway as part of my undergraduate coursework. I didn’t have the volatile relationship with my father as the “son” did in the story, but it made me momentarily take an inventory of my relationship with my Dad, as well as, those of my friends. This inventory process started and stalled many times from that point, usually tucked away with a note or a highlighted passage in a book put up on a shelf. However, what lingered was a relationship with my father that lacked the passion I desired. Using the word “passion” may seem out of place, but I feel it best describes the loving heartfelt relationship I, and many of the men I have worked with, yearn to have with our fathers. Flash forward 20 years, 3 careers, a second marriage, and my first child. It wasn’t until the birth of my son that I really stopped and began, in earnest, the process of analyzing, make that living, the relationship with my Dad I desired.

Traditionally, fathers have taken one of two paths: engaged whereby they learn to nurture and support the uniqueness of there sons, or disengaged, where they fluctuate from an involved to a distant role where they are actively or passively guiding their son’s development towards becoming a man. I find that most of the current generation of dads had the latter type of father. In some cases, this disengaged father may have been abusive or completely out of their son’s life related to divorce or death. Now, I do not mean any disrespect to the majority of our fathers. Most fathers did the best they could considering the circumstances of the time and what they had learned from their fathers. I guess that really is the point; we dads need to begin to start thinking beyond what we consciously, and subconsciously, learned from our fathers.

The question came up in my group, “So what if a man has not had the benefit of an engaged father?” The simply answer is that with the fellowship of other dads and the development of a nurturing relationship with their own children, a man does not have to act upon the ill-effects of a “less-than” father. If men become more mindful of their relationship with their fathers, and more significantly, the ways in which they have unconsciously taken on behaviors they disliked in their fathers, they need not replicate this cycle. It is actually more “normal” to repeat the behaviors of our parents then not to. If you take a look back through the generations within your family, do you see a pattern in parenting style, or a way of reacting to situations? A big function of psychotherapy is to identify these “patterns of dysfunction” and create new “functional” patterns. This is important in terms of fathering because it allows dads to circumvent being unconsciously set-up to repeat with there sons what was done to them as sons. This is dually important because it will have a ripple effect on a man’s relationship with his partner/wife, daughter, if divorced, ex-wife, or any other cherished relationship.

We dads are on the threshold of a new understanding of the significance of being an active father. Socially and culturally, a new definition of being a father is being formed. I think of it as where in the past a man with children was considered a father parenting from over there, today a man with children is a dad, whole-heartedly involved in all aspects of their children’s lives. We have the opportunity to venture through life in step with our children and help each other through life’s momentous and minor transitions. I feel that when a dad and his son are able to influence each other in this way, both achieve a deep and lasting understanding of what it means to become a man. As William Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, “It is a wise father that knows his own child.” I’d say it is a complete dad who knows his father as he knows his son.

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Dr. John Johnson, Dr. J as we like to call him, holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology as well as an M.A. in Theology. Both degrees from Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. John also holds a B.A. from Baylor University and an M.A. in Psychology from Stephen F. Austin State University.

He is a husband, father, step-father and a dear friend to me. John has wonderful insights and can communicate them in a practical way. He has written a wonderful piece on the “Legacy” that we men will leave our children. Check it out for I know you will be inspired, challenged and blessed by his article.

Thanks for your involvement John! Love ya buddy! G

“LEGACY”

Life goes by fast and it seems we never really have enough time to accomplish all the things we want to. Yet, somehow, in the hustle and flow of our day, we manage to carve out time for those important things at the end - like reading the paper or watching the news, checking our stock status, or planning for the big meeting the next day. How else would we know what the status of the world is, how many of our brave soldiers perished in the service of our country, where Greenspan is on the economy, or how to wow the chiefs down at headquarters. It is important stuff and must be attended to for the benefit of our family and for our own life satisfaction. We smile as the night falls - satisfied in our accomplishments and ready for the next day’s challenges.

Yet somewhere in the depths of that smile lies a nagging question mark. Is it really enough? Do I really feel satisfied, or should I be doing more? Have you ever asked that question? And did you get an answer? If you’re like most of us dads, the answer is no. We are left wondering if all of our hard work will matter someday. Sure we may have the nice boat and the big house, the fat bank account and the gourmet food on the table, but if that is all that was required to feel “successful” I would venture a guess that we would all be a lot happier.
There lies the real question. What is the legacy I am leaving for my family and will it outlive the stock market ups and downs, the latest fashion trends and the newest game system? I wonder what my kids will think of me when I am old. Will they remember how many papers I read or the facts I recalled from the news programs? Will they care about the Nintendo 9000 or the newest Apple gadget I bought them? Or will they have an ache in their heart — wishing they knew more of me and less of what I “provided.”

I come to all of us now in hopes that we men can begin to consider this question more intently. I was vacationing with my wife and 2 sons this weekend and I wondered what they took from it. Did I yell more than I encouraged, speak more than I listened, and count pennies more than laughs. The answer for me was a resounding YES. I admit this is a journey for me that I am ever learning. As I was with my family I thought about what I would be writing in this article. I thought all the ways I could speak academically about being a good dad. I thought about doing research to dazzle you with statistics and percentages. I thought about what I would say and how stunning it would be. I wanted to speak about my time being well spent with the ones I loved. In essence, I wanted the trip to be special and not just another vacation. But another vacation it was and I realized from it all that my legacy needs some polish.

Think back about your own fathers, gentlemen. How would you describe them? What are the words you would choose and are they accurate or a fantastic restructuring of what you always wished they would become someday? I never really knew my dad as he died in an accident when I was 6 years of age. Yet, I still yearn to think of him as a man who cared about me, who took us on fun vacations, and who worked hard for my benefit. I never even really knew him, but the desire in my heart still seems to override the reality and the legend grows bigger daily.
It is never too late to begin a new legacy in the lives of our kids. There is a concept in cognitive psychology called the recency effect. It is partnered with the primacy effect and essentially says that we will remember the first few items and the last few items from a long list better than the things in the middle. I think it is the same with kids. They will remember the early years at a core level and it is from there that they will have the foundation upon which to grow. If we spend good time with our infants and toddlers, they will have the hard wiring upon which to expand. If we choose to focus on other, less important things more, like picking the color for their nursery, but failing to read them a book, they will have a less firm foundation and it may be harder to have hope and trust in their later years. The same goes for now. If we made some mistakes early on, but we “right the ship” now, in the later years of their development, the chances of their remembering the good times are even better. We have a chance guys and now is the time and today is the opportunity you have been waiting for. There are no perfect dads outside of our heavenly role model, but we have a second chance starting now. Be the man you wish your dad could have been for you. Honor your dad by resembling his ways if they were good or ending a negative legacy of poor fathering.

I know we can do it together guys. It is a hard road to travel, but we have a legacy to create — so let’s get moving… Until next time,

DrJ

Welcome to August’s “Counselor’s Corner” article. As I shared in the newsletter, each month I will profile a professional counselor/therapist who will provide some parenting tips/thoughts with us. Enjoy Alexine’s article on “Active Listening.” Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, M.S., MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Please respond to her article. I would love to hear your thoughts and what you think. You can contact Alexine directlyif you need some one-on-one assistance. Her contact information is after the article. (more…)