Welcome to August’s “Counselor’s Corner” article. As I shared in the newsletter, each month I will profile a professional counselor/therapist who will provide some parenting tips/thoughts with us. Enjoy Alexine’s article on “Active Listening.” Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, M.S., MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Please respond to her article. I would love to hear your thoughts and what you think. You can contact Alexine directlyif you need some one-on-one assistance. Her contact information is after the article.

“Active Listening”

Just as every child is unique, every parent and every family is unique. Parenting methods multiply with the years going by and books on the subject compete with each other on library bookshelves. There are so many ways to raise a child and yet every parent, whether they are married, divorced, remarried, or adopted a child, can and should do this simple little thing that most of us forget: listen to their children.The verb “to listen” can convey an impression of passivity. In this article however, I am not talking about the kind of listening that you do half-heartedly when your child tells you about their day while you are driving them home from school or the listening you do when you are preparing dinner or reading the paper. I looked for a definition on the Webster on-line and found three. The first one is: “to pay attention to sound”. Isn’t that what we do a lot? We know our child is talking to us, but we are busy doing something else. All we are doing is hearing the sound of his/her voice and maybe catching the gist of what he/she is saying. The second definition is “to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration”. The third definition says “to be alert to catch an expected sound”. The key words here are “thoughtful”, “attention”, “consideration” and “alert”.

Do we really listen to our children by staying alert and giving them thoughtful attention and consideration? Our children are talking to us all day long. Because they are kids though, we need to listen extra carefully with alertness. Why? Because they don’t have the words yet to express all that they are, all that they feel, and all that they want.

Truly listening means being alert, mirroring and validating. That is called “active listening.”
There are thousands of situations where we miss out on giving active listening to our children. We are too focused on problem solving and forget to sit with them in their feelings. Here are a few examples: “Mommy, Tom stole my truck and I am never going to play with him again!” “I don’t want to go to bed, I am not tired!” “I hate my stupid homework, what use is there in knowing math anyways? I’m not going to do it!” Most of the time, the natural and spontaneous way to respond to those comments is to either tell them to shut up, stop whining and “do what I say”, or “don’t you dare talking to me like that!”.

Of course they have to learn how to share, eat their veggies and go to bed at a decent time. It’s important that they do their homework and they cannot talk to you disrespectfully. However, there is a simple way to avoid getting into a power struggle with them and empower them before you set the limit. It will give your child a great sense of relief and feeling understood. It will also give you a little bit of perspective.

The trick is to put yourself in your child’s shoes. What is he/she trying to tell you? What must he/she be feeling right now? When you have an idea, tell them. Before you start lecturing or implementing some kind of disciplinary action, take 30 seconds to reflect back what you think they might be feeling: “ That math problem feels too hard for you and you are discouraged, aren’t you?”, “You’re having so much fun outside that you don’t want to go to bed” or “Wow, you are very angry at me right now”. You don’t have to agree with them, you are just empathizing and letting them know you heard them. And then, you try to problem solve with them. Try leaving them alone to calm down or reinforce the rule. The key is that you let them know that you saw them and you heard them. And, you have helped them clarify some of those confusing feelings that don’t have words for yet.

And while you’re at it, try these steps with your spouse or your boss the next time they take it out on you. I can guarantee that it will de-escalate the conflict, as long as you don’t do it with sarcasm.

Contact Info:

“Alexine Thompson-de Benoit, M.S., MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private practice in La Canada and specializes in working with couples and families. She has extensive experience in teaching parenting and working with children.

You can contact her at: athompson.mft@gmail.com or at 626-243 3771.”

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 12th, 2007 at 8:57 pm and is filed under Counselor's Corner. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.